I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
