You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
