he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
How's work?
Spinning.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
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