you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
