just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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