Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
