mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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