my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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