Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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