There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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