I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Randomize
