Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
why do cheetos always look like penises
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
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