I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
