I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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