I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
