I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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