Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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