woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Randomize
