I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
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