I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Please don't give away my fajitas
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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