i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Randomize
