no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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