3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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