I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
They took my balls.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
