I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
