I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
you're hired as official boob wrangler
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
