she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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