I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
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