So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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