Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
