Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
there is puke in my bra ... again
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
