And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Randomize
