I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
