I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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