I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Randomize
