I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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