I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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