I just pynch a tree in the face
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
