He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
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Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
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Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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