I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Randomize
