The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
