did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
