I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I accidentally had phone sex last night
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
