What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Randomize
