You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
