You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
