I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
