Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
