remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
