I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Randomize
