There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
