I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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