And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
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