i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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