I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
You were trust falling into bushes
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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