I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize