he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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