Your favorite bartender is back from prision
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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